Mel's Personal Journal

Things are getting brighter in my life.  I am feeling so much better.  I think that one thing that i can get say about all of the pain that i have been through, is that it makes me apprieciate the good days a little more.  Today i have a little tightness in the back of my neck and some sinus fluid build up in my ears.  This is nothing.  This is great.  No headache.  I have been feeling so good.  Pain levels of 1-3 everyday.  It is so great, i don't think that i could ask for more.  I wished and prayed to feel like this.  Sign.  It is here.  I should take advantage of it.

Saturday night i went to a party at Chiko's friend, Max's place.  Outside of the party there was an older black disabled man in a moterized wheeled chair hanging around outside of the party.  He lit up a joint of pot and came over to where Chiko, Dain, and Myself were hanging out and excused himself saying it was medicinal majijauna.  Whatever, we didn't care either way.

This man began to tell us his story.  How he ended up like that.  DIsabled, that is.  He said that he had 13 purple hearts, or was ir 18?  I can't remember.  They were from Vietnam.  He was shot 8 times and stabed several times in the back.  He was carrying a dead man back to the where ever.  He wanted to take him back so he could have a proper burial.  That is when he was attacked.  He was rescued by a doctor.  He would have died if it weren't for him.  But now he is severly disabled, but alive.  

I didn't ask him, but I wonder if he is apprieciative of being saved?  This man was alone, just hanging out in front of the party because he had nothing better to do.  I had a very hard time apprieciating my life, especially when i was disabled.  But i was lucky.  I have pretty much nothing wrong anymore.  I walk away from death.  Do i apprieciate my life?  They, whomever, worked hard to save me.  To give me another day.  I want them to be proud of me.  I want them to think that saving me was worth it.  I don't want them to think that I was not worth it.

I want them to say, "I am so glad that I saved her.  Look otherwise we would be without ---blank---".  Blank is something important.  A noble prize winning discovery or something.

I feel... sad?  I don't know.  I feel weird now.

I am in pain right now.  I am in pain most of the time.  I would say like 80-90% of the time.  I am trying to stay away from medications.  Plus, my liver isn't doing very well.  I am trying to figure out how to deal with living in pain all of the time.  It is hard.  I don't know what to do.  

I am having a moment of self pitty right now.  I am sorry for being to self centered.  I hope i don't stay this way.  I won't let myself stay this way.  But what do i do? 

I decided, I think last week or so, that I want to wait another year before applying to grad school. I just was feeling really stressed out and wasn’t able to really focus on it. I just want to make sure I have my head on straight before I head into a commitment like that. So now, I feel a lot more relaxed. I am enjoying life. And once I get a place of my own to live in, life will be perfect. Ok, I am exaggerating, but life will be better.

The last repair team left Monday to repair the Hubble telescope. I have started fantasying about going into space and learning about the universe. I am super curious about it. Maybe I will work that into my grad school plans somehow.

Last night i was feeling stressed out because of...well, my life.  I have a job now, but i feel exhausted and don't feel like i am getting any help from my family.  Plus, my mom told me again last night that she doesn't want Vicente staying over at our house.  But if we don't stay at my house, then i get even less done.  All of my stuff is at my house and my dogs are less annoying there.  So i don't do the things I need to do going back and forth.  I need my own place.  I think that is the bottom line. 

But until then, what do i do to manage my time and stress?  My whole familial structure is messed up and i don't know what i can do.  Well, i need help now.  I need to think about how to get order in my family so that i get the assistance i need.  I need to think about it a little more.

Also, one thing i realized last night, is that my parents have been bad influences in my life.  They are never happy.  They are always stressed out, so that is what i have learned.  I never learned how to be happy.  So i am on a path to learn how to do it.  To learn how to be happy and not feel stressed out.  I want to learn to be organized, but not stress out when things don't work out.

Another thing.  I want to travel more.  That is one of my life goals, travel the world.  But again, i have to work it out. 

I am now creating a new world.  I have a job.  I works as a staff researcher at a UCSD Radiology Lab.  I am starting to look for a place to live and a new car.  And i have decided that i want to go to grad school.  I will be applying to the MD/PhD programs in the fall.   

Vicente and I are still together.  Things in my life keep getting better. 

There are two little things that just happened in my life today that make me feel a little uneasy.  First, i received an lengthy message from my ex, apologizing and telling me that he is going to bring my stuff down to San Diego.  Then the next thing was an email from the landscaping committee from my parents housing association telling me that i violated something because i cleared out the unused land in back of our house and was getting ready to plant a vegetable garden.  I guess that it offended them and it is illegal.  I didn't know.  Plus, my mom said that i could.  Whatever, i really dislike my parents housing association.  I want to get out of there as soon as possible.

With my ex...I don't know what to think or what to say back to him.  In all honesty, i do think about him a frequently.  It isn't romantic thoughts, usually it is bitter, angry thoughts.  I don't know why i swallowed the fly.  Perhaps i'll die.  No, i mean, i don't know why i still am so bitter and angry at him.  I guess it really is a difficult concept for me to swallow that someone could change their mind about me.  Tell me they love me one day, then the next is with a different girl.  It baffles me.  It really makes me question my own judgement.  Who can i really trust?  And it makes me very fearful of relationships.  I am scared to get married. 

I feel sad.

Yesterday, Joel, my friend from Muir, turned 25 so me, Vicente, Jeremy and a couple others went to The Tavern for his birthday celebration.  We ended up getting kicked out because Joel was so drunk.  But you know, I had a really god time.  I kind of didn’t expect that going out to a club as a couple would be fun, I thought that i would be bored, but Vicente is a lot of fun to hang out with.  He is really silly…we are having a really good time together.

Then today, Russ and Remy from my old job in Sacramento came to town for a conference.  So Vicente and I went to dinner with them.  That was also a lot of fun.  Vicente bought dinner for us.  Geeze, I owe him.  But that makes me like him even more.  Generosity is definitely a turn on.  It makes me want to give him all I can. 

Oh and another funny thing that makes me like Vicente even more.  He has been trying to get me to go to his favorite Chinese restaurant.  Well, yesterday, for some reason, he was telling me where it was and I realized that I knew the restaurant that he was talking about.  He was talking about my family’s favorite Chinese restaurant that we call “Hakka” which refers to the style of the food.  But I am actually very familiar with that place.  That is a restaurant  I have gone to since I was born.  But how funny, that of all the Chinese restaurants in San Diego, his favorite would be my family’s favorite.  I think that just shows how good of a match we are.  He will fit n perfectly in my family.

So in conclusions, I have no regrets or second thoughts about being with Vicente.  Everyday, I only get more and more confident in my feelings for him.

Oh, and I have started having orgasms during sex.  It is fantastic.
 

I have started to keep my journal entries on my computer instead of posting them.  I figured that it would be easier in case i ever wanted to print them some day.  But i have to admit that it is a little less fun.  It is kind of fun thinking that someone somewhere could be reading these sometime.  But what is funny is that, when i do write, i really don't think about the audience.  You probably noticed that audience member because I write with almost no discretion.  It is a habit.  I have been keeping a private journal for most of my life and usually never think that i or anyone else will ever read them.  That caries over for the most part with my blog writing.  We will see.  Maybe i'll come back to the blog, maybe not.

Anyways, good bye. SWAK!

Vicente and I went to watch Twilight tonight.  It was alright.  From my sister's and cousin's reviews, i thought it was going to be better.  But anyways, I am exhausted.  Today, i kept yawning in speech therapy.  Speech therapy is actually really great.  I thought that i was getting sick, but the speech therapist asked me what i have been doing for the past few days and when i explained everything too her, she concluded that i wasn't sick, I was just overloaded.  And i think that she is right.  Even with naps, i still feel so tired.  Today, i was living off of coffee.

Ouch!  My Jaw just started hurting.  On the right side.  What is that?

Ok, well back to speech therapy.  So also the speech therapist shared a book with me about a lady that had a stoke and about her recovery.  A lot of that lady went through was similar to my own experience.  And I started to think...hey!  Maybe I should write a book about my experience?  This has been an interesting journey for me.   I am glad that i kept a journal from as early as i could from this experience.  I want to get my medical records, particularly my brain images from right after the accident.  I want to learn about the brain and see how my injuries lead to some of the problems i experienced. 

Right now how am i?  See it is hard to compare it for myself.  I don't know when i am getting better.  It is just all of a sudden... I don't have that problem anymore.  Like now, i still don't have salty taste on the tip of my tougne, my tear ducts still don't work for crying, and my mouth gets dry when talking.  I get occasional pain in my shoulder because of the fracture.  But for the most part, i think that externally i am doing much better.  My brain is really the last thing that still needs work.  I need to get myself organized.  I don't think that my processing skills will get better anytime soon.  I need to learn to work what i got.  But how?  I need to take the time to get really organized.  

Man, and i wanted to get Christmas stuff arranged.  I feel overloaded.  How do i make my parents understand that i can't do anymore?  Especially my dad.  He wants me to do more work for him, but with Holidays, and house work, and tutoring Lung, and working on myself, i am overloaded.  This really is the hardest part of recovering.  I am not getting better anymore and i am trying to figure out how to deal with what i got and deal with other's expectactions.  It is hard for people to look at me and see what looks like a normal girl and have them realize that i am still healing on the inside.

I am feeling stressed.  I need to talk with my parents.

Again, Vicente and I were on the phone for like an hour and a half even though i just saw him this morning.  We ended things on kind of a bad note.  I told him that i had a pumpkin cheesecake for his mom and for some reason i was refering back to her telling me how much she liked pumpkin cheesecake and i said, "and she said blahblahblah pumpkin cheesecake" and Vicente was like "are you serious?" i was like what? yeah, i am serious.  And he was like are you disrespecting my mom?  And i was like, no of course not. That isn't what i meant.  But then he tried to change the subject but  was already angry.  Of course i respect his mother!  i didn't mean it in a disrespectful way at all.  changing the subject did work i was still angry that he would even think that i would disrespect her.  so he ended the conversation.  we hung up.  But i still felt bad so i called him to apologize again.  He admitted to being overly sensitive.  But i don't know.  I still feel a little mad.  Or maybe it is sad.  No mad.  He is just so hard to please.  He wants me this way or that way.  Skinny, with a shaved pubic, no acne, and i have to watch everything i say.  I am not getting along with people.  I have bad social skills.

Man, i am so tired, but i have this crazy determination about me.  I cooked for Paula's dinner party.  Then went to Vicente's and worked on more party stuff.  Came home at like 5am after no sleep and set up the girl's breakfast buffet.  Then finally slept for like 4 hours and woke up only to tutor my cousin Lung for the ACT.  Now tonight, i am up late again because i was getting together a birthday suprise for Paula.  I have set up a fishing game for her.  It should be really fun.  But man!  I am exhausted.  This is when my insomnia would come in handy. 

Also, in regaurds to the orgasm thing with Viicente.  We had talked about how i haven't been gettng orgasms during sex and he mentioned that some girls touch themselves during sex and i asked him that would be alright with him if i did that.  He said it would be alright, yet, i still felt hesitant.  I don't know if it was the vibe he gave me or what.  But i did touch myself.  I didn't finish though because he finished first and i didn't want to keep going on my own.  But that is a start.  I don't know why i always feel so odd about this.  I think that i need to talk to him again to make sure that this is alrght and make sure that he understand that it isn't like he isn't doing anything wrong.  Hmm... we'll see.

I had a sort of stressful Thanksgiving.  It started with my waking up to my over hearing my parents talk./  smack about me and Vicente.  So i went out and got in a fight with them. I told them that they didn't appreciate me and that i didn't want to be here or do any of this.  I told them that if they didn't want me to make a mess, then they could cook their own Thanksgiving meal.  But we ended up making up.  And I still cooked.  The food was awesome.

And just a little bit ago i got off the phone with Vicente.  As if i didn't see him yesterday, we talked on the phone for 3 hours.  But this time it was a discussion about...pubic hair.  Hahaha.  I kid you not.  I guess Vicente thought that it was the social standard of the time for girls to completely shave it.  But that isn't what i normally do.  So our compromise is...he shaves his too!  Hahaha!  I can't wait!

Last night he spent the night at my house.  We had fun eating his favorite goat meat stew he brought me since i didn't have time to make dinner for myself.  He is so sweet.  Oh and we went out for coffee and on our way back to my house made a stop in his back seat for a love connection.  First time in a car with him.  Well, first two times in a car with him.  Heeheehee.

Remember Melissa, thank the lord for what he has given you and do not dwell on the things lost in the past.  Be mindful that the future and past exist, but live in the now for that is what you have today.

I am on facebook having a conversation with one of my old classmates from Davis.  We were talking about getting a job and how we can't think of a single person from our major that has a real engineering job.  That is discouraging.  I haven't started looking for a job after my accident, but it makes me a little apprehensive to start.  Wow.  The economy is bad.  I am going to have to be creative to land a position that is rewarding and makes money. 

I am thinking to myself that there has got to be a way.  There has got to be a way to make even this bad economic situation work for me.  I have to find a niche that will continue to grow in these hard times.  But what?

Well, people are skimping on luxury.  They are going back to basics and affordable stuff.  People what to make money.  What can i do for people that will look like it is a good investment or a necessity even now?

Necessities:
1. Food
2. Water
3. Shelter
4. Sex
5. Family protection

Investments:
1. Start Business
2. Stocks
3. Savings Accounts with interest
4. Education

See all of these things are different from what i am interested in because the things that i like are luxury items.  Like dog toys, or luxury medical devices.  The other problem with medical devices is that you have to test them a lot before they actually get onto the market to make money.  I am not complaining, I want them to be scrutinized.  But that just stinks for me if i want to make money now.  Maybe, i can get some company to buy my idea from me for a million bucks.  Google.  I should sell something to google.  They will invest in anything because they are trying to take over the world and doing a good job at it.

Anyways, that is enough for tonight.

I am excited.  It isn't even 12 and I am really tired.  Vicente has been the best remedy for a lot of things.  Both my insomnia and depression are almost gone.  I do have to admit that i am still really angry and hurt by my ex.  My heart has not forgiven him for betraying and abandoning me as a boyfriend and a friend.  I am at the point of not having romantic feeling for him anymore.  I never want to get close to or hear from that scumbag ever again.  Thank you again to Vicente.  I need to learn to forgive my ex.  Living with this kind of anger is no way to live.  What if he died tomorrow?  I won't want to live with regret that my last thoughts of him were bad.  I guess we all make mistakes.  But the mistake that he made...really hurt me.  I really needed him.  And i trusted him.  Goodness, I hope that never happens to me again.  That was so terrible.  Man, there goes my happy feelings.  See that is why i need to forgive my ex.  He has already hurt me so much.  He doesn't deserve to continue to ruin my good time.  I was perfectly happy before i started thinking about him.  He ruins everything.  What a terrible creature God put on this Earth.  I definatley do not deserve to be this miserable.  I am a good girl.  I have always been faithful and good hearted.  I gave everything to the man, no boy,  i thought i loved.  I deserve more.  I deserve to at least get that in return. And hopefully, that will start now.  Now let me think about happy times.  Let me tell you about my date with Vicente today.

Today we met for lunch.  We went to this sandwich shop for lunch.  Then went to Dr. Loves, a sex supply shop in PB.  We had fun looking around at all of the silly sex stuff.  I cannot wait to have a bachlorette party!  I think that it will be so much fun drinking out of penis straws and eating penis shaped cake.  Then we went down to the beach.  We walked down on the beach until we found a place to have a seat and talked for like an hour or so.  It was a beautiful overcast day.  Following that we went back to his house for "desert".  We had two rounds of "desert".  Hehehe.  We can't keep our hands off of each other.  It is wonderful.

Thank you God for Vicente.

Yep, i dodged that bullet.  I got my period and have now started the pill so i won't have to go through that again. 

I just got back from Vicente's.  And as if i wasn't paraniod enough about getting pregnant, the condom broke and he didn't realize until it was too late.  What is funny is that we had just had a conversation before that about how a lot of our friends got married because they got pregnant.  We will see what happens. Hey, he did say that he didn't want to be too old when he became a father.  Maybe his wish will come true.

Also, i got a headache today, so i restarted my Nortryptine.  I am going to attempt to ween it down the appropriate way.  Now i am on 40mg instead of 50mg.

Hello Again!  Geeze it has been forever since i last wrote! My interenet has been down at my house for the last week.  I am on my moms computer that gets internet with this broad band wireless thing she has.

RIght now i am feeling alright.  Just a little tired because i have been not sleeping very much at night because of Vicente and working for the last couple of days during the day.  I guess that is a good thing, because it means that my body is becoming normal and i am not an insomniac anymore.

Tonight i didn't see or talk to Vicente. Which is unusual.  We usually make contact at least once during the day.  But i am tired, so it is nice taking kind of a break.  Things are going good between us.  Aside from us needing to work out a better schedule, i am very happy with how things are going between us.  And OMG!  My dad said something unbelievable yesterday!  He told me that Vicente was growing on him.  That he thinking he is a good guy.  And... that I was lucky to have him!  Hahaha.  That made me feel really good, but i just can't believe it.  I kind of am confused about it.  He never likes any of the guys i date.  And by the time that he sort of started to come around with my ex, my ex turned into a demon!  So, i hate to be pessimisstic, but i kind of think that this is a bad omen.  Things are going to go terribly wrong now.  I guess we will have to just wait and see.

And there was another interesting conversation that Vicente and I had recently.  He and I were laying in bed and had a conversation about us.  I told him that i was serious about this relationship.  And not that we need to hurry into anything, but did want it to turn into marriage eventually.  I said that of course this is within a reasonable time frame though.  Because if it was like ~5 years down the road and still no proposal, I probably would leave him to find someone that did want to have marriage and kids.  And that if some time he decided that he didn't want to marry me, that was fine, but i would just want for him to tell me so that it is not misleading me.  But he did agree.  He said the he also was looking at us as something that could possibly get married and that if he decided he didn't see marriage for us, he would tell me.

During the last few days, I have been feeling kind of depressed again.  And i was having upset stomach.  I don't what it is.  Maybe my depression is reamerging? Since i really didn't resolve much before i got into this relationship and stopped being depressed.  Or maybe i will be starting my period soon?  That would be good.  Because, if it not my period or not unresolved depression, then could it be that I am pregnant?  I would hope that is not the case.  He and I have only been an item for about 2 weeks.  Anyways, it is too early really test, so i am going to wait...for as long as i can stand before taking a pregnancy test.

This leads me to my next topic, medications.  I got some antibiotics for my skin and some birth control pills last week when i went to the doctors.  But i haven't started them because i have been worried about pregnancy.  I hope that i get my period soon. This would make everything a lot simplier and i could then start to take this medications. And as i am speaking of medications.  I have not taken my Nortriptine and my vitamins for about 2 nights now because i was at Vicentes.  I have not been getting headaches thank goodness.  I am thinking that maybe i don't need the Nortriptine, so i am just going to stop. But one thing that is interesting about this is that my acne suddenly seemed to get a little better. And actually, thinking about this, it makes sense.  My acne was just about all better before the car accident and i had like no pimples immediately following the accident.  But as soon as i started the Nortriptyline and the vitamins, i started breaking out.  And now my face is really out of control.  It is way worse than before the accident.  It is like i am going through puberty again. 

But stoping my medications makes me think.  Am i normal?  Is is just me that is holding myself back from getting a job?  Actually, i know that i am not the same as what i was before the accident.  I still don't make tears, my mouth is dry, my salty taste buds in the front of my tounge aren't working well and my memory is bad.  I think that i am hitting a plateau in my recovery.  I may get better eventually, or i maybe this is it.  Either way.  I think that it is time for me to accept what i have got and learn to move forward with it.  Now the question is... am I ready to move forward?

I just got back from Vicente's.  Oh man.  That was the best relaxer ever.  We just have so much fun.  And the sex is amazing.  And i don't even orgasm.  I guess it is just such a sexy connection.  We did it twice again.  Gosh, i hope that my ex boss isn't still reading these journal entries.  That would be embaressing.  Oh well.  Dan, if you are reading this, close your eyes!

And after sex we always talk about food.  Hahaha.  We work up an appitite.   Now that i am home.  I am grubbing as i write. Our two favorite topics of conversation: 1) Sex and 2) Food. We do have pretty good conversations too suprisingly.  Not just about sex and food of course.  But debates on race, life, whatever.  I hope that this lasts.  I hope all of this and the relationship lasts.

I am feeling a little frustrated right now.  I just got a message from my ex telling me that our landlord from Davis took $1600 of our deposit leaving us with $300.  He told my ex it was because of the damage to the carpet because of the dogs.  That is BS.  I keep that carpet so clean.  I vacuumed and shampooed it regularly.  I think that it was my ex throwing parties that F-ed up the carpet.  Ugh.  I feel so helpless.

Then tonight at dinner, my mom told me not to come home too late tonight.  I was like why not, it is Friday?  And she didn't have good reason, she just said that i would wake up late.  So what, if i do?  It is Saturday tomorrow. Plus, i wasn't even going to stay out that late because Vicente has work in the morning.  I am 22 years old.  I should have the right to come and go as i please.  But she was like, it is my house, I am the mom, you do what i say.  This is ridiculous.  I have lived on my own for the last five years, am 22, and have no reason to get up early tomorrow!  I wish i could move out, but i have nothing.  I hate this.  She makes it seem like it was my choice to move back here in the first place.  I think that she forgets that this was not my plan.  I never wanted to move back.   I already had an independent life in Davis.  I had a house, a car, a job, a...Whoo...I just felt really dizzy.  Anyways, I hate this.  I never chose to have this happen, it just happened to me. 

My day started with chores.  Shopping then a trip to the vet.  I got Hercules and Athena checked out and also got Athena up to date on her shots.  Athena started her period.  That is part of the reason that i brought her in.  But everything is normal, but i did arrange for her to get fixed in a month.

Vicente came over tonight again.  We were going to have dinner with my family, but my family all bailed out, and just me and Vicente were left.  We had a romantic Greek dinner alone.  And then we went into my room, talked business for a little bit, then we started the movie Gentlemen's Aggreement, which had an interesting topic, but was a little slow and hard to follow with the limited amount of attention we had.  That turned into you know what, which was unexpected, because we had originally said that we would cool it tonight since were a little bit sore from the night before, but we couldn't help ourselves.  After that we had another interesting conversation.  We were talking about...something...I can't remember exactly what anymore, but it turned into me telling Vicente about this patient i had at the clinic that came in for some genital problem. I think it was like a rip in her vagina or a yeast infection or something.  And she addmitted to me that her husband would start having sex with her while she was sleeping.  He was raping her basically.  And then that topic lead to me telling Vicente about how Nile had forced me to have sex and i cried while we did it.  I didn't even realized that i was getting rapped until tonight.  And then VIcente started attacking me about how i should stand up for myself and i was a weenie.  I told him that he was being a jerk and insensitive.  So i guess we sort of had our first argument tonight.  But we talked it through and resolved it.  And now i feel closer to him than before.  I have never told anyone about Nile doing that to me, not even my previous boyfriends.

My mother also started putting pressure on me today about my finding a job.  I don't think that i am ready yet.  I don't think that i am able to handle a full time job ust yet.  I tried to explain to her that my memory isn't that good yet and she started telling me about how i was wrong.  Then i reminded her that i fracured my skull and that i wasn't making this up.  I am going to be taking an assessment test soon to see my mental ablity and then we can see if i am capable of handling a real job or not.  This is a hard part of my recovery because it is hard me to manage people's expectatons.  I look normal, but the thing is that i still am healing on the inside. 

Again, 8 hours of sleep last night.  Sleeping is fabulous. 

Vicente just left my house.  We went to Walmart to pick up a thing for his phone.  Then we saw Max Payne at the drive in.  the movie was alright, but the experience was fun.  Then we came back to my place and had a talk marriage and sex.  So basically, we are going to use the pull out method until i am on the pill.  We read that the pull out method is about 96% effective if done correctly and 75% effective if not done correctly.  And if we do get pregnant, then though he would like for me to consider getting an abortion, Vicente understands that i would perfer to keep the child.  He says that he would take responsblity for me and the child and we could live together for a litlle bit then get married. 

We also in our marriage talk  told him that the only reason that i can see as a problem in our relationship is that we are on different time lines.  He wants to get married in about 10 yrs and i want to get married in the next 5.  I told him that i couldn't wait around for that long and that means that i might leave him sometime because of it.  He said that he might be convinced to marry sooner if he finds a good match.  And that he might even know in as soon as a year if he thinks he has found the one.  This is very promising for me.

Then of course we had sex.  I think that he and i need to have a talk about my orgasms, because he hasn't given my parts the attention they need for me to finish.  And as much as I like to please him, a little pleasure for me would be nice on occasion.  But  I am not angry or anthing, I just want to establish good communication before the entry phase to sex has past.  After this phase, then it will become akward to talk about.